Sunday, November 1, 2020. Two days away from election day. I know a lot of us are filled with anxiety. It is a time of uncertainty and chaos.
In all honesty, the past four years have been a time of uncertainty and chaos for a lot of Americans. Others don't seem to understand what the big deal is. It's a presidency like any other presidency. For some of us, it has been like no other. Allow me to explain from my experience.
When Donald Trump was the presidential candidate, many of us including myself thought he had no chance of winning. I knew of Donald Trump from the 1980s and 1990s, long before a lot of Americans knew him from the reality show "The Apprentice". He would appear in magazine articles. Usually surrounded by luxurious furnishings and often with a woman draped over his arm like an overcoat. Some may have admired him for his wealth. I thought he was a spoiled, rich, slimy man. The articles were all about him, his successes, his money, and his property. I always pictured him as the rich boy driving a BMW convertible, expecting everyone to fall at his feet. He would be the kind of guy who snaps his fingers at waiters, like they are dogs. "Come here boy. Good boy." He treated people like crap who were "beneath him". He would be the popular guy in school who would break the law, but never face consequences because of Daddy's money and status. Meanwhile, if you or I did the same thing, we would be sitting in a jail cell waiting for someone to bail us out. I knew guys like that. They disgusted me. Donald Trump disgusted me. There is no way he would ever have a chance at being president.
Fast forward to 2016. Donald Trump is president and proved he was all of those things. Arrogant, rude, condescending, bullying, sexist, racist, everything that you would think would make you a horrible candidate for the highest office. No, too many Americans ate it up. Christians make excuses for every commandment that he breaks. Working class Americans think he is just like them. Rural Americans believe he cares. He talked about how he could "grab women by the pussy" and get by with it. He mocked people with disabilities. He insulted women, especially women of color. He called Mexican immigrants "criminals and rapists". He stalked Hillary Clinton around the debate stage like he was a predator ready to attack. He bullied anyone who tried to challenge him. None of that mattered. He wrapped himself in the flag and promised to "Make America Great Again". He could do no wrong.
In the past four years, it has been hard to keep up with everything he has done. I'm not talking about campaign promises either. From colluding with Russia, to being impeached, to praising authoritarian leaders, to separating migrant children from their parents, to encouraging police to rough up those they arrest, to calling white supremacists "very fine people". I could take up an entire blog on the horrible, racist, sexist, undemocratic things he has done. Bottom line, he has divided this country, destroyed relationships with other countries, and thrown the US Constitution out the window. The United States of America is a joke to other countries. In recent days before the election, he is encouraging voter fraud, intimidation, and violence. Oh yes, to top it all off he has done very little to stop a pandemic that has killed over 236,000 Americans. Today's positive case count in the US is 9,473,911. He claims the virus is over while his son, an apple that didn't fall far from the tree, says it hasn't killed that many people. He refuses to listen to experts. Claims doctors get more money when people die from COVID-19. Claims he had it and it wasn't that bad. He lies every chance he gets about almost everything he could lie about.
Some family members love calling me a "crazy liberal". They accuse me of reading the "liberal media". It is ironic because some of these people should know that up until 2 years ago, I have been a registered Independent voter all of my adult life. The first presidential election I voted in, I voted for George H.W. Bush, a Republican. I also voted for his son, George W. Bush on his first run for office. I have voted for Republicans and Democrats. I have voted based on the best candidate. The one I believed would be the best leader for the country at the time. If the person I voted for didn't win, I was disappointed but life went on. I knew they would ultimately do their best for this country, even if I didn't agree with everything they did. I didn't vote for Donald Trump not because of politics. I didn't vote for him because he is the same person today as he was in the 1980s. A horrible, privledged, racist, sexist, narcissistic bully. He is not a Republican or a Democrat. He is a con-man.
Permit me to indulge and tell you how these past four years have been for me.
First, I'll give you a bit of personal background. This may get lengthy and there are triggers. Bear with me. I grew up with a lot of uncertainty. My dad couldn't stay in one job for more than a year. He was a teacher and school administrator, but he would get in an argument with the school board or another administrator. His arguments would turn into threats to fight. He would end up resigning and we would move. We moved ten times in my eleven years of school. Every time we moved, I would start in a new school and the bullying would start. Most of the schools my dad accepted jobs at were in small towns. Small towns where everyone had lived for generations. Small towns with small minded people who didn't take well to outsiders. I was a skinny, red-haired girl with freckles. A lot of kids thought I was a freak, and they'd tell me so to my face. The bullying in school was bad enough, but my dad was unstable. He had affairs. He degraded my mom, and abused her both physically and verbally. Some of that abuse would get directed at me as a teenager. Sometimes my dad would threaten to kill himself. He had a closet full of loaded guns and usually carried one or two in the car. I grew up in Texas and New Mexico where that was legal. My dad was also racist and sexist. When I did make friends in a new school, it was usually with kind girls who happened to be Black or Hispanic. They didn't make fun of me or bully me. My dad would end up banning me from going to their houses and tell me I couldn't be friends with them because they had brothers. God forbid I should be around a Black or Hispanic boy! As most kids that don't fit in do, I started getting in trouble. I drank. I smoked pot. Anything to escape the chaos and uncertainty. It got really bad at age 13. Some of those rich, privledged kids started rumors about me having sex with guys after I was actually raped by one and was branded a "slut" by the entire school. I tried to kill myself. I couldn't take it any more. Fortunately, I didn't succeed. My dad sent me to counseling with a Baptist preacher who tried to convince me I was the bad one and I needed saved. I really started getting into trouble. I ran away from home at age 15, was escorted home in the back of a police car, started getting into fights, and drinking heavily. This continued until I decided I wanted to really get away. I told my parents I wanted to enlist in the military. I was 17 and needed their permission. My dad refused, not because he didn't want his kid in the military. He said the military was no place for women and women just slept their way up the ranks. This was 1985. I was getting into the military somehow. I had to get away. We lived near a military base, so I did what my dad thought I should do...find a husband. I got married two months after turning 18.
I would like to say I lived happily ever after. I did move away from my family and the chaos. I had a beautiful daughter that I swore would not grow up like I did. I married young but I matured. I knew what kind of life I wanted and the kind of person I wanted to be. My husband and I fought a lot. We were young. He started listening to talk radio and calling me a "feminazi" and a "bleeding heart liberal". He didn't think I should be so opinionated and outspoken. I started seeing too much of my parents' relationship in us. I didn't want my daughter to go through what I did, so I left. I had to go on public assistance to get myself and my daughter back on our feet. I worked hard to give her a life without fighting, chaos, uncertainty, and bullying. I did make some bad choices. I got involved in a relationship that I regret. I had no tolerance for bullying, racism, and sexism. To this day I can't stand people who use their money or status to treat others like dirt.
Back to President Donald Trump. With knowledge of my background, imagine how the past four years has been for me. Like many others, it has been four years of PTSD, anxiety, and anger. Donald Trump is the worst of the worst of men. He's a bully. He's racist. He's sexist. He lies. He verbally abuses others. He gaslights an entire nation. He reminds me of the worst traits in my dad. So when others say, "oh, he did great things for the economy". I call BS. A horrible person can't make up for being horrible by throwing money at it. He isn't a good businessman because he doesn't pay taxes. He's a crook. A lot of good businesspeople pay their taxes. Good people think about others, not just themselves. Good people can be Republican or Democrat. However, two years ago I changed from Independent to Democrat. After the past four years of seeing how hypocritical Republicans have licked Trump's boots just so they get their way (money), you will have to work very hard to convince me to ever vote for a Republican again. The past four years have been nothing but uncertainty and chaos for me and many other Americans. Especially those of us who care and have compassion for others who have been marginalized.
As we go into the next two days before the election, I fully expect more chaos and uncertainty. This will not be a "normal" election. We are already seeing it. It makes me sad how divided this country is thanks to Donald Trump. It makes me sad that my Black and Brown friends fear for their future. It makes me sad that my granddaughters are growing up in times like these. Their future is what I worry about. As I was concerned that my daughter didn't grow up in a repeat of my family, I also want the best for my granddaughters. I want them to be kind to people who are different. I want them to be nice to the new kids in school and understand how hurtful bullying is. I want them to know that the Black and Brown kids in their class are just as special as they are. I also hope they are around those kids so lack of knowledge and experience doesn't lead to ignorance and prejudice about those who don't look or talk like they do. I want them to try to understand what it may be like for other kids who don't have what they have. I want them to know they can do anything they set their minds to and gender doesn't matter. I want them to appreciate the environment and be kind to animals. I want them to be safe in a country that cares for all people. A government that will take action and listen to scientists when something like a pandemic emerges to protect all people. I want them to grow up in a country that won't try to take their rights away because they are female and will let them love who they choose to love. I want them to know their Grammy isn't a crazy liberal, feminazi, or any other derogatory name. Instead, I want them to know their Grammy loves them and wants the best for their future.
Our experiences make us who we are. I will never be ashamed of that. I will always stand up for those who do not have a voice, even if that means some people will not stand with me. I am no longer a praying person after religion and religious hypocrites have soured me. However, I do pray that this country will change. I pray that people's fear and hate of others will not turn to violence against their fellow citizens. I pray for the end of the sadness, chaos, and uncertainty that I fought so many years to overcome in my personal life, only to have it on a much bigger scale for the past four years. We should all be and want better than this.